Oh… To Wake Up One Day and Know!

waking up

When I first entered into recovery just over four years ago, I was sure I was done. Sadly, I had to have one more night to “prove” something (to myself, to others, to who, I don’t know).

But that night, oh that night, I fell asleep (passed out) and awoke the next day with this overwhelming pain, anger, frustration, and sadness. I simply knew… knew deep down to the core… that I NEVER wanted to feel that way ever again.

No more nights of which I recall nothing. No more covering up the emotions. No more hiding from my life. It is now or never.

I have known many people in recovery who have said they woke up one day and just knew. Over the past four years, I nodded my head as they spoke, but in reality, I had never experienced an AHA moment like theirs. I originally got sober for other reasons. I got sober to make my children happy. I got sober to prove something to myself. I got sober to please my mother, who had lived with my alcoholic father until he passed away too soon. But I really didn’t get sober for myself.

When I relapsed a few months ago, I know now that it happened because I have a disease. My disease was untreated alcoholism. Yes, I was going to meetings. Yes, I was hanging with sober people. But I was not working the steps. In fact, when people said “work the steps”, I honestly had no idea what the hell they were talking about. I can say now that I understand.

Today, I am awake and aware. I am learning, in baby steps, how to trust and believe in my higher power. I will wake each day knowing… just knowing… because I do not ever want to feel that way again. I know I will have moments, hours, and days in which I doubt this, or in which I will conveniently forget. So I am writing these words to remind myself!

~ Paige Loveland

Advertisements

Dust Yourself Off… And Move On

Dust Yourself Off

Life goes on. Humans are not infallible. We make mistakes. Mistakes do not make us bad people. Meetings have become a daily event for me again. The truth is, though, I have been going to 5-6 meetings a week (never less than 4) since I first got sober in 2010. But meetings alone do not keep you sober. I have learned that the very hard way. I see that I was on a downward spiral for months.

It started with a surgery for which I was prescribed narcotics during my recovery. Those narcotics tickled something in my brain that made me want more. If I had taken my medication as prescribed, only when I was in pain, I might have been okay. But I am an addict. I wanted them all of the time. They helped me sleep, I justified. When the pills ran out, I wanted more. When I could not get more, I wanted something, anything, that would replace that feeling. I settled on Xanax, which my doctor happily prescribed for my anxiety. All of this was the behavior of an alcoholic completely headed for a huge fall.

As an alcoholic, I have to be aware of those things, such as prescribed (or not prescribed) medications. My brain does not work like a normal person’s brain. Mine can easily be fooled into thinking I am okay, and that I can handle a pill here and there. It is this same brain that will tell me that I do not have the disease of alcoholism.

So, in accepting these things, I am dedicated to dusting myself off, and starting over again. I want the sober and healthy life that I have begun to build over these last four years. I am excited about my future. Things may be tough now, but to that I say, “World, Bring It On!”

~ Paige Loveland

The Journey Begins… Yet Again

serenity

Having had almost 4 years of sobriety, I was feeling as if I had this thing licked. The signs were written on the wall… signs of a fall. I was going through some rough stuff, but nothing I had not overcome in the past. Then I moved across the country, took a new job, and left everything else behind. I thought the fresh start would be good for me, and in most ways it has been. Change can be good, if we are spiritually fit.

I heard someone say last night that after a few years of physical sobriety, he still felt this gaping hole inside of him. I can relate all too well to that. When we search for ourselves, we are in a constant state of flux. I haven’t felt whole in many years, and I allowed myself to begin feeling like I was on the outside looking in. I felt as though there was something missing. Was it finding the right man in my life? Was it finding fulfilling work? Was it searching for answers in the mountains? I haven’t found any of these things, yet.

Since I got sober, I had never dated a man who drank.  So when I started dating a wonderful man who drinks, but drinks normally, I thought I could handle it. I started to even fantasize that maybe, just maybe, I could drink normally again, with him.  After we had been spending time getting to know each other, we decided to get together with our kids.  He was having a few cocktails, and my daughter and her friend were having a few with him.  I felt suddenly angry.  My crazy thoughts went to… “He is having more fun with them than me because they are all drinking and I’m not.  Then, as if I was not even aware of myself and my actions, I walked inside while they were out on the patio, reached in the fridge, and picked up that bottle of whiskey (which would NEVER have been my drink of choice) and tossed it back.

I did that a few more times, and sadly but not surprisingly, I do not remember a single thing that happened for the rest of the evening. I only know that we all crashed there for the night. I awoke the next day having to face my daughter and this new guy. But mostly, I had to face myself.

I spoke with a respected friend last night who told me that feeling shame is pointless. The important thing is that after that one night, I went right back to meetings, talked to others who understood, and have been walking the walk, once again.

So here I sit, ready to start anew, trying to not focus on the time, days, hours, or minutes. I only have today, and the journey begins, yet again!

~ Paige Loveland