Believe in Magic!

magic

I wanted to quit drinking… I wanted the problem to be just taken away, like magic. I listened to what people in the program were telling me, that I could ask my Higher Power to remove my obsession to drink and return me to sanity. I wanted these things so badly, but what became a huge road block was that, sadly, I did not truly believe in my Higher Power.

I love the above quote from Alice in Wonderland! It says it all, actually. I wanted my problems to go away like magic, but was unwilling to believe that magic existed. Is God “magic” to me? I mean, c’mon, that sounds a bit ridiculous. But when I really think about it, I see the point that is clearly being made.

If I truly put my faith in God, and believe without a shadow of a doubt that He can keep me sober, then I stand a chance at this thing called sobriety! If I want a lovely and fulfilling life of physical and emotional sobriety, I have to trust and have faith that my Higher Power will come through for me. Today, that is exactly what I am choosing to do!

~ Paige Loveland

This is God. I Will Be Handling All of Your Problems Today.

turning over will

I used to wish I would wake up one morning and see a note like that. Today, I don’t need the note because I believe those words with every inch of my being. I was unable to say that as recently as a month ago. About a month ago, I was still struggling with the concept of putting my will completely in God’s hands. I wanted it, don’t get me wrong, but I was not convinced of it.

I played the victim role… I’ve played that role my entire life. When things went wrong, I couldn’t understand why God was letting me down. Now, what I see is this… Things may have been bad, but instead of believing that God let me down, I now see that God helped me through those hard times. I truly believe this.

When times are bad, many of us tend to look to place blame outside of ourselves. We cannot understand why bad things keep happening to us. I was over three years sober when I remember looking up to the heavens and asking out loud, “When do the promises start coming true, damnit?!” Those promises were always within my reach, but I neglected to reach out and grasp them. I did everything in my power to work against the principles of the program. Sure, I convinced myself and a lot of other people that I was working so hard. But the truth was, I was wallowing in self-pity and living in my ego. A deadly combination, I might add.

How did I get to today? I woke up every morning and went to bed every night by thanking God for the blessings in my life and the blessings I am receiving.  Even if I had to struggle to come up with things for which to be thankful, I did it. Before I knew it, I started seeing God’s blessings throughout my life, past and present. I started seeing Him as a loving being, who did not inflict pain on me, but instead, guided me through those hard times, helping me survive each and every difficulty in my life.

This was a huge turning point in my life, and in my sobriety. I know now that if I turn my will over to God each and every day, He will not let me down. My faith is restored, and my trust is strong. I am no longer trying to drive the bus.

~ Paige Loveland

I Didn’t Turn Over My Will… I Loaned it Out

turning over will

 

One of the many mistakes I have made along the path of sobriety was in not completely turning my will over to the care of my Higher Power. Oh sure, I said I did, and I really believed this to be true. But the truth is this… I turned it over, and then reached out and desperately snatched it right back. So, in essence, I was loaning it out.

I have to be willing to give my will completely to my Higher Power. I have to truly believe that God has me in the palm of His hand, and will protect and care for me. To not do so spells disaster.

When I look at my life, I realize that I talked a good game. I told others that I believed that my God was looking out for me. But in my bed, late at night unable to sleep, I was tossing and turning with fear and anxiety over whatever was the problem of the day. With that constant worry, I was obviously not trusting and believing that God had my back. I may have asked Him for help, but instead of turning it over, I was trying to take back control and come up with my own solutions. Hell, my past history should be enough to prove to myself that when I try to control situations on my own, I only end up in misery.

Today, I am slowly learning and accepting that I need God. More specifically, I need to trust in Him that He will provide solutions and offer me comfort. I’ve heard it said at meetings… “Let Go and Let God”.  I have been struggling with this, while knowing at my very core that this is the piece that has been missing in my life.

Tonight, I was flipping channels and came across an old favorite, Joel Osteen. I used to listen to his podcasts while running on the treadmill because not only was it inspiring, but the podcasts are a half hour long which is perfect for my run! 🙂  Tonight’s episode was entitled “Stay in Peace”. He talked about trusting that God will take care of you during even the most tumultuous times. He gave an example of being in the eye of the storm. In a hurricane, while everything is complete chaos, if you are at the very center of the storm, the eye, there is total calmness. He said that when life is crumbling around you, when you feel there is no way out of your problems, stay in peace… stay centered, as if you were in the eye of the storm. Allow everything to occur around you, but stay calm and in peace.

I love this. The key idea is to trust that although life will continue to throw you curves, trust in God and know that He will provide… IF you place your complete trust in Him… IF you turn your will over to Him and allow Him to help. Ask for help, and you shall receive. Trust in Him, and He will provide.

~ Paige Loveland

Powerlessness is Not Weakness

Until we accept that we are powerless, we do not stand a chance. When I first heard this said in the rooms, I honestly thought this meant I was weak and incapable. Although I was beaten down, I still believed that I was in control. I thought maybe I just did not have enough willpower or that the circumstances in my life were what caused me to drink too much. It was that kind of thinking that kept me stuck at step one. Sure, I had gone through the steps a few times in my first few years of sobriety, but had I honestly lived them?

powerlessnessPowerlessness is not a sign of weakness. It is pride that keeps us from asking for help when we most need it. Last night, my daughter told me that I need to let my guard down and let others help. This was coming from an 18 year old girl who has more wisdom in her little finger than I had at that age for certain. Out of the mouths of babes.

So, today, I am pushing my pride to the wayside in hopes that I will accept help from others, and more importantly, from my Higher Power. I have learned time and time again that I am powerless… not weak… simply powerless without God in my life.

~ Paige Loveland