When Darkness Comes

darkness

Darkness comes at such surprise

Even devoid of chemical influences

The sun shines bright but I can’t see

These grey tinted lenses hinder my senses.

Mskin feels tingly to the touch

My step an unsteady gate

Lovely music flows with sweet strings and such

Filters through me like screeches and hate.

There’s a space on my bed which remains warm

As I’m lying there most of the day

A half made bed where my weary self mourns

Not one specific word, thought, or ill to convey.

All darkness seems to bear no source

All pain has no true indication

Tears aimlessly run their course

My only known remedy is prayer for patience.

~ Paige Loveland

The Voice of Hope

hope

I remember when hope was prevalent in my life… but not in a good way. I used to HOPE that I would not get pulled over for drinking and driving. I used to HOPE that my family would not notice me sneaking in the bathroom to pull out my water bottle filled with vodka for a few sips during holiday gatherings. I used to HOPE that my employer would not notice my bloodshot eyes and the shaking going on in my body. I used to HOPE that no one would ever ask me to quit drinking.

These days, HOPE looks quite a bit different. Today, I have hope that life will continue to get better… as long as I continue living in the solution. Regardless of the obstacles which almost inevitably come my way, I feel a sense of hope that God will get me through even the most challenging of times. Those times where the world seems to be setting up major roadblocks are the most challenging, but somewhere deep within, there is a tiny voice offering messages of hope.

So for today, I prefer to live each moment with hope for the future, and gratitude for what I already have in my life.

~ Paige Loveland

This is Not How the Story is Going to End

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Sadly, not everyone’s journey through sobriety is a straight upward line from devastation to freedom. Many of us have severe ups and downs, twists and turns. But the beauty of the journey is that at ANY time, we have the power to stop dead in our tracks and say, “This is NOT how the story is going to end!”

What makes any day different from the others? Why is it that some people have that moment of clarity when they realize they are DONE!? I believe there is no magic to this. I believe that there is, however, a moment when a person decides they no longer have to live the way they are living. Yes, many call it a spiritual awakening. Others call it a moment of clarity. Call it what you will, but I believe something switches in our thinking. Many of us suddenly realize where our life is headed, and we finally see that we can change the course. The despair we feel… the pit we are in… the dismal darkness… the gaping hole in our soul… We simply do not have to let the story end there.

I remember back in middle school there was a popular series of books where the reader had the opportunity to choose his or her own ending. At the conclusion of each chapter, you were to make a choice about where you wanted the story to go. Each choice led to a different story line, and each of those story lines led to a unique final ending based on the choices made throughout. I thought that was pretty cool!

This caused me to think about my own life. With the help of my Higher Power, I can look at my life at any point in time, and choose one of two things. I can either continue down one particular path, or I can make a decision to rewrite the ending to my story. I cannot do it alone… but I CAN do it. All it takes is complete and utter faith.

~ Paige Loveland

Believe in Magic!

magic

I wanted to quit drinking… I wanted the problem to be just taken away, like magic. I listened to what people in the program were telling me, that I could ask my Higher Power to remove my obsession to drink and return me to sanity. I wanted these things so badly, but what became a huge road block was that, sadly, I did not truly believe in my Higher Power.

I love the above quote from Alice in Wonderland! It says it all, actually. I wanted my problems to go away like magic, but was unwilling to believe that magic existed. Is God “magic” to me? I mean, c’mon, that sounds a bit ridiculous. But when I really think about it, I see the point that is clearly being made.

If I truly put my faith in God, and believe without a shadow of a doubt that He can keep me sober, then I stand a chance at this thing called sobriety! If I want a lovely and fulfilling life of physical and emotional sobriety, I have to trust and have faith that my Higher Power will come through for me. Today, that is exactly what I am choosing to do!

~ Paige Loveland