The Journey Begins… Yet Again

serenity

Having had almost 4 years of sobriety, I was feeling as if I had this thing licked. The signs were written on the wall… signs of a fall. I was going through some rough stuff, but nothing I had not overcome in the past. Then I moved across the country, took a new job, and left everything else behind. I thought the fresh start would be good for me, and in most ways it has been. Change can be good, if we are spiritually fit.

I heard someone say last night that after a few years of physical sobriety, he still felt this gaping hole inside of him. I can relate all too well to that. When we search for ourselves, we are in a constant state of flux. I haven’t felt whole in many years, and I allowed myself to begin feeling like I was on the outside looking in. I felt as though there was something missing. Was it finding the right man in my life? Was it finding fulfilling work? Was it searching for answers in the mountains? I haven’t found any of these things, yet.

Since I got sober, I had never dated a man who drank.  So when I started dating a wonderful man who drinks, but drinks normally, I thought I could handle it. I started to even fantasize that maybe, just maybe, I could drink normally again, with him.  After we had been spending time getting to know each other, we decided to get together with our kids.  He was having a few cocktails, and my daughter and her friend were having a few with him.  I felt suddenly angry.  My crazy thoughts went to… “He is having more fun with them than me because they are all drinking and I’m not.  Then, as if I was not even aware of myself and my actions, I walked inside while they were out on the patio, reached in the fridge, and picked up that bottle of whiskey (which would NEVER have been my drink of choice) and tossed it back.

I did that a few more times, and sadly but not surprisingly, I do not remember a single thing that happened for the rest of the evening. I only know that we all crashed there for the night. I awoke the next day having to face my daughter and this new guy. But mostly, I had to face myself.

I spoke with a respected friend last night who told me that feeling shame is pointless. The important thing is that after that one night, I went right back to meetings, talked to others who understood, and have been walking the walk, once again.

So here I sit, ready to start anew, trying to not focus on the time, days, hours, or minutes. I only have today, and the journey begins, yet again!

~ Paige Loveland

4 thoughts on “The Journey Begins… Yet Again

  1. I think it is ridiculous to say you are on day one again at this point. 4 years yahoo to that! Sometime we need to be reminded why we chose to stop in the first place. Ok it’s done now. Going on month long bender, totally different story! We are all works in progress!:-)

    Like

    • Thank you for that! I feel as though I have learned so much in four years, but everyone is telling me I am a newcomer again. It is devastating to feel I have squandered four years. I screwed up, but the important thing is, I am back 🙂

      Like

      • See I can’t get on board with that kinda of thinking that you are a newcomer…wait let me see…you drank one day out of the last 1460 days…f#%k that! Aa has helped so many people, it is amazing for that. However, I cannot accept you are fresh off the drunk mess boat. Yes you may have tripped face first into a puddle of booze, but you got up shook it off and continued on your way. Now had you gone on a weeklong bender, yeah I get the starting over. Sometimes we need to remember why we choose not to drink. Like when I drank on the 4th, then was like hell no I hate this kaka! I only started the counter bc of Belle’s 100 days challenge invite. My journey started May 18th. That will never change. Yours began four years ago…you never lost it, you just reaffirmed your decision:-)

        Like

      • Although I was told I had to reset my sobriety date, and I accept that, I agree with many of the things you have said. Resetting my date does not change the fact that I have learned some wonderful lessons in my almost four years of sobriety. One drink does not change the person I have become. I am back on track, going to meetings daily, meeting wonderful new people each day, and focusing on my work and my writing. Life is good sober. I made a mistake, and if anything, it taught me, once again, that I want nothing to do with a life that involves drinking.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s